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reject #15853

[ website | snow yellow ]
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oh geez [16 Nov 2011|03:03pm]
"Would you like to open saved draft?"

Why, yes, I do. After more than 4 years of posting an entry, yes.
This is what comes up;

"Josh and Matthew were arrested today."

That wasnt in 2007, that was after. In 2008 sometime. I must have logged into this all ready to type a post and didn't.

I end up looking at this once every 2 years or so, I am tired of reading the last 3 entries and how i sound.
I was clearly dumped by my boyfriend and still typed like and thought everything was ok. I figured if I didnt except it, it didnt happen.
It happened and I was pathetic. He had cheated on me, lied to me in every way possible and treated me like complete shit. All my energy for the next month after that entry was devoted to stealing him back from the whore who stole him from me.
I won.
Skip to a year later and we still fought all the time, did drugs like crazy, the weekly choke hold I was put into for various stupid reasons finally began to get old and boy were we poor. Dirt poor. He VERY rarely had a job. I provided. Not 100% sure if he cheated on me again after the 1st time but I sure as fuck never trusted him again, and he knew it. In turn, i became extremely insecure with myself and our relationship and always felt like I had double check everything he said and watch my back all the while going nuts because I could not trust anyone.
I am no longer with him (thank God).

That part of my life is finally over.

Why do we waste time on things we know won't last? Why do we hope so much for things to change when we know they won't?

...will write more later.
stick your hand in the socket

life hates the good people [11 Mar 2007|01:12am]
[ mood | depressed ]

my life sucks so bad right now. once again, everytime i get my hopes up for something it gets shot down. i am stuck in pittsburgh with no car and i am absolutly sick of bumming rides from people. the wagon was booted and impounded this week and my sprint phone got turned off so i have no way of getting ahold of my mommy. i want my mommy. i cried in josh's arms today and said `i want my mommy` how embarrassing is that? so the car i'm currently looking at has a torque converter problem... maybe. its only for one thousand and its cute and it has a nice cd player but jason said he thinks the guy might be trying to pawn the car off on me cuz he did seem a little shady, but god i don't know what to do. i hate my situation so bad i feel like i'm really loosing it :( life needs to give me a break.

stick your hand in the socket

Freinds [28 Jan 2007|10:34pm]
This is an old friend of mine, Brandon, that I've known for 4 years.. and his wonderful attempt at making me feel better....


Little Killette: (censor) and i didnt even make it a year
Little Killette: ='( it just hurts really bad
twizfatkidreppin: well
twizfatkidreppin: my imaginary girlfriend and i have been together for about a year
Little Killette: lmfao
twizfatkidreppin: i think shes fuckin around though
Little Killette: dumb ass bitch
twizfatkidreppin: haha i just got the shop vac out and made her spend a week in the box
Little Killette: the box?
twizfatkidreppin: u know, like prison
twizfatkidreppin: u do wrong they lock you in the dark for a week

So nice. It's makes you feel better when you're trying to throw yourself a pity party and your friends won't let you.
stick your hand in the socket

getting deeper into not wanting to live [28 Jan 2007|07:33pm]
Myspace is so retarded.

It is.

It turns you into some mini stalker, because you're on a friends page and you happen to see someone on THEIR FRIENDS list that you were once very close with so you look at their myspace.
Then wow, their friends with other people who you hated a great deal so.. you look at theirs.. and so on and so on and so on.

So I finally closed the browser and left it at that.

I did all the semi-stalking I think I can handle. Didn't find out anything except who they added as friends so there really is no point.

New subject:
Dria and I had a fucking blast last night.
She picked me up and and we went to her friend, Randy's, house and started drinking a little there and then we went to a bar in Morgantown. Earlier I had bought her a meal at Burger King so she said she'd pay for me at the club and my drink, and she did.
We danced out asses off.. for hours.. I drank, alot.

Afterwards we went to Eat n' Park where everyone there had to say something to the drunk lesbians I was with. So, it was my first.. first hand expirence being discriminated for being with lesbians. I felt bad though because 90% of me wanted to scream "I SWEAR TO GOD I'M NOT GAY I'M JUST HERE FOR FREE FOOD" but the other 10% wanted me to stick up for them because.. because people shouldn't make fun of anything that they don't understand.

My boyfriend is another story. Ugh.
He called. He called at 4am, we talked for the .0005256 milli-second until the payphone asked for more money and he proceeded to ask me to call him back. We hung up. I called back. It was busy. IT WAS BUST UNTIL 5:08AM! SO what the fuck right?

He doesn't call all day.
Whatever.
I called his work at 1:30 and his lying ass friend told me he wouldnt be in til 5pm.
Okay.
I call and call and call that payphone, just hoping SOMEONE, ANYONE would answer.
Nope.
I take a nap with my phone on severly vibrate in my hand so I know I won't miss a call.
I wake up at 6:30.
No missed calls.
-cries-
I call his work..
He tells me the payphone is fucked up.
We talk for 2 minutes.
It's not a good time, I can't talk.
Okay bye.

Now after all the stress from last night not being able to talk to him, I would at least like I little sympathy or sorry-ness in his voice.
No.

I just don't understand! If I was him and my boyfriend wanted to talk to me and I knew he wanted to talk to me and the payphone, which is our ONLY way on communication, fucks up... what do you do?

WALK TO ANOTHER FUCKING PAYPHONE.

YOU LIVE IN BLOOMFIELD/OAKLAND (PITTSBURGH) THERE IS MORE THAN ONE FUCKING GOD DAMN PAYPHONE.

And one more big thing:
His best friend lied to me. Over the phone, but he lied to me. He lied to me while I was crying to him on the phone, asking him for an answer and he non-chalantly (sp?) lied. I no longer like or trust this dude, at all.
Everytime he tells me someone, I second guess it.

Same with my boyfriend now.

Because now I KNOW for a fact, that he bullshits with me. He tells me "Oh my boss was here so I..." LIE. "I tried to call you but..." LIE. "I know I said I promised but.." LIE

"I love you..." LIE?.

-dies-
stick your hand in the socket

Toatally freaking out man. [27 Jan 2007|04:18pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

So, Looking through this thing (livejournal) makes me think.

Why do people change? Why did I change so much from who I was when I first started this?

I told my 24 year old friend from work the other day, that I used to be severly depressed when I was a teen, like from 12 til 16, because we were talking about when we both were prescribed paxil. She didn't believe me. I don't really care.

When I made this "nomoreblueskys" I was really depressed.

I'm now 20. I still hate life. I will say, I'm not as depressed as I have been in my life but it would be okay if a car would so happen run me over.

I'm at my mother's. In Fairmont. Just the air makes you want to jump off a bridge. I hate it here and it's hard to get a hold of anyone to hang out with because half of all my friends are in different states and the other half are working.

I miss my Pittsburgh air smell. The steel. The dirty-ness. I can't wait to leave Fairmont and I only arrived last night at midnight.

Dani and her boyfriend, Travis, drove me down here to my mom's. Travis just got back from a week long buisness trip to Las Vegas and he told us stories, but the car ride, in general, was horrible. It took for fucking ever.

They wanted cheap cigarettes so I took them to the Sheets in Morgantown and I had mentioned before that Fairmont was a small town and that I probably would know alot of people anywhere we stopped (she didn;t believe me). As soon as we pulled up I saw Mr. Patrick, my 7th grade social studies teacher, 1 kid I went to North Marion with and another kid who went to West Fairmont and of course, Colby's sister's best gay friend.

Fun shit.

Life seemed to get a whole lot brighter once Colby and I finally ended it all. Talk about beating a dead horse. And that's all I will say on that subject.

I haven't gotten anymore tattoos but I plan on it soon.

I smoke a pack a day, still. Wave menthol's now. I haven't had one since 11:30 last night due to my momther still not knowing and I just realized how cranky I was when I snapped at my boyfriend on the phone.

I'm waiting on Dria to come pick me up. As soon as she gets here I'm having a cigarette. I can't wait.

I will write more later.

stick your hand in the socket

i just need to type [27 Jan 2007|03:45pm]
So I remembered my password and.. here I am.

Life sucks.

Honestly.

I hate it all.

Whenever I think.. "Boy.. shits kinda alright.." I get reminded, that it's not.

All I want is my life to go back to normal. To how it was two months ago. Two months ago it was wonderful.. and normal.

Fuck.

I give 199% and get back.. -4%.

My job is stressful as shit and mandatory overtime, I think, may actually kill me one day.

"Oh but your paycheck will be nice.." WHO THE FUCK CARES IF I HAVE TO STARE AT THE SAME GOD DAMN PLACE FOR 14 HOURS A FUCKING DAY! WHOOPDIE SHIT I MIGHT GET A GOOD PAYCHECk!

Okay, I'm done.. for now.
stick your hand in the socket

[26 May 2004|11:37pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Some updates for myself:

- I dropped out of school a month and a half in the first semester.
- I have a good full time job (8.50 an hour)
- I have two cars of my own that I payed for.
- I'm moving out of this apt. soon.
- I'm still with Colby.
- I smoke cigars now.
- I got to go to my prom.
- My migrains and panic attacks have gotten much worse.

I have no regrets ... so far this year.

stick your hand in the socket

<3 [02 Feb 2004|12:13am]
[ mood | cold ]

I don't want to jinx anything, but.. I had a good day.

Kayla, Sam, Colby, and I went to Damon's to eat and watch the game, and as I watched the Superbowl on the huge TV's I all of a sudden saw all four of us eating out, watching the Superbowl when we're all 40 years old, together.

Sam purposed to Kayla but didn't get her a ring. Colby gave me a ring and has "purposed" plenty of times, but then he denys it in public.

But as we were standing, arm-n-arm at the doors to the mall ysterday, waiting for our ride.. he went "We're gonna be standing like this with a preacher one day." Then leaned down and kissed me on the head.

I tired to fight it, but my body won.. I cried. Right there.

I love my Colby.

stick your hand in the socket

School isn't cool. [05 Jan 2003|11:53pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

I think I'll try and make this my last week of highschool.

I'll go. I'll go to every class. Then, Friday, I will act my ass off saying I hate school and can't take it anymore. And hopefully my plan will work and I'll be a drop out. Yay.

Or I could say letting me drop out will be my birthday present.

Woo hoo! I'm gonna be 16 in 9 days! My mommy's birthday is in 6 days. She'll be 41, ah. To old.

I'll get my GED sometime. I just.. don't wanna go to school anymore.

I hope we get a snow day tomorrow. I wanna see Colby and all but I'd rather sleep all day and get lost in the snow.

I have Naternicola (again) once the semester ends. I won't be able to take that. All those freshman. I'm already failing my sophomore stupid World Studies and then to have a freshman social studies class isn't gonna be cool.

Fuck. I hate Naternicola. HATE.

See, I'd rather work all day long with no one I knew then sit in a class room for 8 hours and be expected to do homework.

I think it's just because I want a car.

Should I really drop out?

4 electrocuted .. stick your hand in the socket

"Dave" lost some shirts. [12 Dec 2002|08:09pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Highlights of my day.
- Skipping
- Spending the morning with Rachel, Dria and Glenn.
- "Borrowing" pins from the Book Store.
- Finding out jesus.com isn't what you're thinking.
- Kissing peoples shoes.
- Taking a marker from a girls white board.
- Stealing a janior t-shirts. It says "Dave."
- Breaking into a house.
- Cuddling with Colby during lunch (we don't do that anymore).
- Writing on the 2nd stall walls in the 3rd floor bathroom.
- Stealing more more pins.
- Watching death videos and eating pretzel in the libary.

I had a good day. No, just the morning rocked. Wish I could have as much fun skipping as I did this morning.

I left all my shit at school. I started my period today as well. I didn't find out until after 4th period. Thank god I didn't bleed through my pants. And DAMN MRS. ROMAN for not having any pads.

2 electrocuted .. stick your hand in the socket

hmm... [29 Sep 2002|12:42am]
just trying things out...
stick your hand in the socket

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